ENTRY 180: LISTEN TO WHAT I AM NOT SAYING

yzel

 

Don’t be fooled by me.

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.

For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.

Masks that I’m afraid to take off,

And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me.

 

But don’t be fooled; for God’s sake don’t be fooled.

I gave you the impression that I am secure,

That all is sunny and unruffled with me,

Within as well as without,

That confidence is my name,

And coolness is my game;

That the weather’s calm and I’m in command,

And that I need no one.

 

But don’t believe me. Please.

My surface may seem smooth,

But my surface is my mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complaceness.

Beneath dwells the real me in confusion,

In fear, in aloneness.

But I hide this, I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness

And my fear of being exposed.

 

That’s why I frantically created a mask

To hide behind,

A nonchalant, sophisticated façade

To help me pretend,

To shield me from the glance that knows.

But that glance is precisely my salvation,

The only thing that can save me,

And I know it.

 

That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,

If it’s followed by love,

It’s the only thing that liberate me from myself,

From my self-built prison walls

From the barriers that assure me,

Of what I can’t assure myself,

That I’m really worth something.

 

But I don’t tell you this. I don’t care. I’m afraid to.

I’m afraid your glance will be followed

By acceptance and love.

I think that you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh.

And your laugther will kill me.

I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing,

That I’m just no good.

And that you’ll see this and reject me.

 

So I play my game.

Mt desperate pretending game,

With a façade of assurance without

And a trembling child within.

And so begins the parade of masks,

And my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you,

In the suave tones of surface talk,

I tell you everything that’s really nothing,

And nothing of what’s everything.

Of what’s crying within me.

 

So I’m going through my routine,

Don’t be fooled by what I’m saying

Please isten carefully

And try to hear what I’m not saying

What I’d like to be able to say

What for survival I need to say,

But which I can’t say.

 

I dislike hiding. Honestly.

I dislike the superficial game I’m playing

I’d really like to be genuine,

And spontaneous,

And me.

 

BUT YOU’VE GOT TO HELP ME…

 

* i got this thing from the retreat, very meaningful so yea i typed it down and hmm hopefully you’ll like it too.. mwuah!

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